Nicole Daughhetee

Life As I Know It

By Nicole Daughhetee

I find myself saying “in the last year” a lot – like my entire life has been relegated to the past twelve months – yet I cannot shake from my mind the thoughts that this last year has been one of such profound and tremendous growth in my life that I cannot imagine another year in my future that would parallel.

Who else, in her right mind, is up at 4am on a Saturday morning writing? This her; that’s who! Again, it is one of those things that has occurred in the last year. Insomnia. Thoughts racing through my head at the speed of light – initially they were filled with heartache and anxiety.

Now I find myself wondering what’s next? Like the Mud-Runs in which I’ve always wanted to compete (on the bucket list for sure) – I wonder what obstacle or hurtle will be ahead and feel a sort of “bring-it-on” kind of thrill knowing that, whatever it is, I now possess the confidence that I will hurtle the thing and endure.

God, without a doubt, has been the most fundamentally amazing change in my life this last year. Not that God has changed, but my faith in Him has developed and, dare I say, evolved, in a way I would have never imagined.

The relationship I continue to develop with my Heavenly Father has enabled me to make peace with what has always been, for me, a difficult, often painful, relationship with my earthly father. We have shared feelings that can never be unshared and I have hope that slowly but surely we can re-stitch and mend the fabric that will forever bind us together.

Always fearful of being without love in my life, I have discovered an over-abundance of the unconditional sort when I opened my eyes and began looking in the right places.

Not a day has passed in the last 36 years when I have not felt my mom’s love in one form or another, but even our relationship – one that has always been close – has strengthened through all of last year’s ups and downs. She is my mother, yes, but I have also come to see her from a more adult perspective as the dearest friend I will ever have. She is someone who has never, ever, given up hope in me – even when I have been at my absolute worst, feeling broken and beyond repair.

I look at my daughters and am overwhelmed by the love I feel. And it is a love that cannot be contained or depleted. It never runs low. It is never in jeopardy of dissipating. It grows with every hug and giggle. Every wiped tear and every runny nose. Every ‘I love you’ and firm, yet tender reprimand. I recognize that this last year has been difficult for them as well, yet I hope that – like me – it will make them stronger. And I think in their 7 and 9 year old minds, they see me differently – strong, capable and filled with an unshakeable faith.

Thank you, my readers, for allowing me to share this last year of my life with you. Thank you for your thoughtful emails, cards and unspoken prayers. And a very special thank you to the gentleman who brought me flowers and chocolate. You made my day on a day when, in this last year, I really needed it.